Do you feel like your marriage could do with a little improvement, but not sure how to go about it (since nagging doesn’t seem to work anymore)? Here’s why being open to changing yourself is the first step to changing the relationship dynamics with your loved one.

By: Ng Lin-Li

Change what you can control
In an ideal world, our spouse would do exactly what we wanted, when we wanted (after all, they are the ones with the problem!). However, in reality, the only thing within our control is our own actions, attitudes and character. Rather than trying to intimidate or manipulate your spouse into change, look at how your own behavior can be improved.  By turning the focus away from the flaws of your spouse, to areas that you need to work on, you can positively impact your marriage. Surprise your spouse and ask what he thinks you can work on (but try not to get defensive).

Stop thinking “nothing will ever change around here”. Something can change immediately – you. You have close to a majority share in the marriage and anything you do will change the dynamics of the relationship.

Break old patterns of behaviour

May* used to quarrel with her husband often, and the arguments started whenever he raised his voice. She would then get angry and raise hers, and the argument would escalate. If only he would change, she kept wishing, until one day she decided to take control of her own response and improve her temperament and patience regardless of what her spouse chose to do. Now, instead of perpetuating the pattern of arguing, she would hold her tongue, cool off, then come back and tell her husband calmly and kindly that what he said was unnecessarily harsh. Their arguments got less frequent and less intense.  When May’s husband saw how his wife was more mature and had more self-control, he too felt inclined to work on himself.

Putting off change and personal growth simply allows old habits and patterns of negative interactions to be repeated. When someone in the relationship does something differently, then will there be a different outcome.

Health begets health

By becoming an emotionally healthy individual who is open to self-improvement, your spouse can be encouraged to do likewise. Pursue a healthy inner self for your own good, and not with the expectation that your spouse will do the same. Learning to be vulnerable by sharing your desire to change can make it easier for your partner to be vulnerable and open as well, thus building trust. It may be the case that he just never knew how to approach inner change, or never had the opportunity (amidst the tiffs) to be open with his struggles.  Your efforts to become a well-balanced person, and consequent confidence and joy from doing so, will not go unnoticed and be attractive to your spouse- so much so that he might even consider it for himself. Influencing your spouse works better than trying to control him. Commit to growth and bring health to yourself and your marriage.