The heat (or lack thereof) in the bedroom has sometimes been said to be one of the key performance indicators of how healthy a marriage is. Is sexual intimacy really that vital in protecting your marriage?

By: Audra Lim

For many married couples, sex used to be great … until the first child came along and problems with the in-laws slowly but surely drove a wedge between them. Serene*, then 30, was getting frustrated at the lack of support from her husband, their lackluster sex life, and was disappointed with how her life had turned out. The heat in the bedroom eventually fizzled out. She started confiding in her dashing colleague, and it was only a matter of time when they ended up having a fling that has now turned into a long-term affair.

“He [her colleague] makes me feel special. He holds my hand tenderly, really listens to me, and the sex is unbelievable. I don’t feel the same way in my marriage anymore. Sex is a chore – we haven’t been intimate for a long time. The romance has died,” says Serene. Her marriage is now on the verge of breakup.

According to The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner-Davis, 20% of married couples have sex less than 10 times a year.

Yet sex is critical in building and restoring intimacy and communication between spouses.
Ask Dr Bernard and Ying Thio, 48, doctor and lawyer respectively, and co-ordinators of the Couple Empowerment Programme, a Catholic programme for newly married couples. The duo, who are involved in couple and marriage counseling, have seen how it is easy to grow apart emotionally and for intimacy to disappear when couples are caught up in the stressful demands of family and work life.

“In a loving marriage, sexual intimacy heals and helps the couple to rise above the petty disagreements and hurts. Sexual intimacy in marriage involves more than just the physical act; it is the sum total of loving acts and thoughts communicated to one’s spouse throughout the day and is premised on an open and loving relationship. It can be very spiritual when the mind, feelings and soul is involved in that intimate sharing of our bodies.

“On the other hand, sexual intimacy is often non-existent long before the breakdown of the marriage. If one’s marriage is fulfilling and happy, there would be less reason to seek others.”

Bernard and Ying, who have been married for 22 years, have six children and say that their openness to life and to having kids makes sex very special and sacred – each child was cherished and received with much joy.

Says Ying: “We do not have the perfect marriage. Work and family commitments are the main difficulties for us. The only way is to make time for sexual intimacy. We plan romantic night outs and holidays where we have no other distractions and where we can allow each other to wind down.

“Be full of surprises and spontaneous. Be open to and respect each other’s needs and desires. Communicate your needs. Maintain an open and loving relationship with lots of forgiveness on a regular basis so that hurts do not fester.”

Some other suggestions on how to bring the sizzle back into the sex:

1. Ban the television from the bedroom.
The bedroom is for rest – and sex. The television will only be a distraction.
2. Hold hands and touch each other through the day.
Nonsexual touch and other signs of affection keeps the connection strong in your marriage, and deepens that vital sense of intimacy.
3. Do one thing differently every time.
Think sex-while-in-the-sea different. Change the location, the position, the time of day you have sex. Role play, use costumes, talk dirty – try something new to break the routine. Sex thrives on novelty.
So go ahead — have more sex with your spouse. You’d be protecting your marriage.

This is an instalment of our Protect Your Marriage series. If you have missed any of our previous articles, just click on the following links:
Protect Your Marriage: Date Your Spouse For Life
Protect Your Marriage: Have Sex, Have It A Lot
Protect Your Marriage: When Kids Get In The Way
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving The First Year Of Marriage
Protect Your Marriage: Surviving A “Mid-Life Crisis”
Protect Your Marriage: The China Woman Syndrome